Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? ... "I'm four and a half" ... You're never 36 and a half ... you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens ... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony ... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 ... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk ... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ... stay over there, it's all slipping away ...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ... .and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday ... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas ... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there ... into the 90's you start going backwards ... I was JUST 92...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again ... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

Credit: According to the Oracle Service Humor List, "Age is a Funny Thing" appears to have come from comedian Larry Miller, several years ago. However, the piece seems to have been widely used, considering that they received attributions for everyone from George Carlin to Jerry Seinfeld. Most people credited Larry Miller.

Three old timers are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The first says, "I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The second says, "I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The third says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." The others ask, "So what's the problem?"

"I don't wake up until nine."

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask again to see the baby. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop approached and said, "Lady, do you know that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!"

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper. "Okay," he said and she went on her way.

Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and said, "STOP! Have you got a valid medallion for your taxi, madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer coaster. He allowed her to continue.

As she was going down a third corridor, a man stepped out in front of her stark naked.

"Oh, no," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites so that the old fellow not overexert himself.

After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again succesful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again, fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they are lying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that clorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old...just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take...your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old...I'm only mature.

An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you, mister?"

"Why," the old patron says, "I'm 98 years old today!"

"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh," he says, "then how much do I owe you?"

31. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

30. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

29. Your back goes out more than you do.

28. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

27. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

26. You are proud of your lawn mower.

25. Your best friend is dating someone half their age ... and isn't breaking any laws.

24. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

23. You sing along with the elevator music.

22. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

21. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

20. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

19. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

18. You make an appointment to see the dentist.

17. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

16. Neighbors borrow your tools.

15. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

14. You have a dream about prunes.

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

12. You send money to PBS.

11. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

10. You take a metal detector to the beach.

9. You wear black socks with sandals.

8. You know what the word "equity" means.

7. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television ... or touched the floor with any part of your body besides your feet.

6. Your ears are hairier than your head.

5. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

4. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

3. You got cable for the Weather Channel (aka "Old Folks' MTV").

2. You can go bowling without drinking.

... and the Number One Sign You're Growing Old:

1. You throw a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

A family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. After a while she slowly starts to lean to the left. As time goes by, she leans more and more until finally two attentive nurses rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

The old woman is fine for a while, but after a while she starts to tilt over to the right. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

At that moment the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they never let me f*rt!"

… Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.

… Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

… The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

… Being bad is no longer cool.

… You have friends who have kids.

… Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

… You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

… Your parents' jokes are funny.

… You have ever said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

… You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's Thriller.

… Christmas starts to p*ss you off.

… You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to do your laundry any more.

… Two words: parachute pants.

… Naps are good.

… Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

… You once considered Space Invaders "The best game ever".

… You know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't dispense balloons.

… When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

… Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.

… The only thing in your cereal box is ... cereal.

… You buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

… Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.

… You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

… You want clothes for Christmas.

… You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.

… You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

… You've bought an album on vinyl.

… You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

… You read the "if you were born on this day in 1976 you are of legal age to buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school dance on that date.

… You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

The students who started college this past fall across the nation were born in 1980. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has only been one Pope. They can only really remember one president. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war.

"The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. CCCP is just a bunch of letters. They have only known one Germany. They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS. They never had a Polio shot and likely do not know what polio is. Bottle caps have not only always been screw-off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. Star Wars looks very fake, and the special effects are pathetic.

There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?

They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. Zip codes have always had a dash in them. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year that Sony introduced the Walkman.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, The Globe Democrat, Pan AM or Ozark Airlines. The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.

They have never seen and remember a game that included the St. Louis Football Cardinals, the Baltimore Colts, the Minnesota North Stars, the Kansas City Kings, the New Orleans Jazz, the Minnesota Lakers, the Atlanta Flames, or the Denver Rockies (NHL hockey, that is). They do not consider the Colorado Rockies, the Florida Marlins, the Florida Panthers, the Ottawa Senators, the San Jose Sharks, or the Tampa Bay Lightning "expansion teams." They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.

They never thought about Jaws while swimming. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WW I, WW II or even the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for Camel", or "De plane, de plane!". They have no idea who J.R. was and don't care who shot him. The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, and Taxi are shows they have likely never seen.

The Titanic was found? I didn't know it was lost. Michael Jackson has always been white. They cannot remember the Cardinals ever winning a World Series, or even being in one. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America and Alabama are places, not groups. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

Do you feel old yet?

An elderly couple went to their doctor with an unusual request: "We want you to watch us have sexual intercourse."

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." and he charged them $32.00.

The next week, the couple was back with the same request. Once again the doctor watched them have sex and charged them $32.

After several weeks of this, the doctor finally asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00, the Hilton charges $78.00. We do it here for $32.00 and I get $28.00 back from Medicare!"

An elderly couple, getting on in years and losing their memory, decide to take a Memory Course. They take the course and the husband is thrilled -- he feels it has changed his life.

He and his wife meet their friend Bill on the street and the husband says to him, "Bill, you just have to take this incredible memory course my wife and I just attended, it's fantastic! You won't believe the improvement."

Bill says, "Wow, great, what's the name of the course?"

The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What's the name of that flower? You know, the one with the long stem and the thorns?"

"You mean a rose?" his wife replies.

"Yeah, that's it!" (pause) "Rose, what was the name of that memory course?"

... You know what a "burnout" is.

... You owned a "Trapper Keeper"

... You know what "Psych" means.

... Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game -- to "reserve" your spot.

... You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

... You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".

... You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack".

... You know who Tina Yothers is.

... You wanted to be a Goonie.

... You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for sex with minors and videotaping it, because you liked him.

... You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your jr. high computer lab

... You know who Max Headroom is.

... You even wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing.

... You could breakdance, or wish you could.

... You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

... You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you had the power!"

... Partying "like it's 1999" seemed sooooo far away.

... You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

... You can, right now, hum to yourself the theme to "Inspector Gadget"

... You wanted to be on Star Search.

... You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.

... You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.

... You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".

... You had to have your MTV

... You remember when Kramer was on a show called "Friday's"

... You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".

... You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name".

... You thought Molly Ringwald was really cool.

... You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a really good movie.

... You've heard of Garbage Pail Kids.

... You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".

... You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.

... You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system

... You own(ed) any "cassette singles"

... You believed that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.

... You own or at least remember the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut. Or any other stupid collection they came out with.

... "Poltergeist" freaked you out.

... You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

... You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

... You know what a Doozer is.

... You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.

... You ever had a Swatch Watch.

... You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

... You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

... You know what a "Whammee" is..

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, her car phone rang. Answering, she heard her husband's voice urgently warning her, "I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell, it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady? Well, she couldn't reach that far.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

"Oh sure I do."

"What to you do about it?"

"I suck a Life Saver."

(after a pause) "Who drives you to the beach?"

An 85-year old couple gets married and decides to have kids. They go to a fertility specialist and tell him, "We want to start a family."

The Doctor says, "You're crazy! Not at your age!"

The couple pleads with the doctor to help them. The doctor finally says, "OK, first we need to know if you're shooting bullets or blanks. Take this jar home and fill it up."

They return for their next appointment with the empty jar. The doctor asks, "What happened?" The man says, "I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. Nothing. Then I asked my wife to try it. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. We even called in a neighbor. "

"A neighbor?!?

"It's okay. We've known her for years. Anyway, She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out.

And still ... none of us could get the lid off!"

Hearing AIDS, Band AIDS, Roll AIDS, Walking AIDS, Medical AIDS, Government AIDS, and most of all Monetary AIDS to their children!

I cannot see,
I cannot pee,
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw.

My memory shrinks,
My hearing stinks,
No sense of smell,
I look like hell.

My body's drooping,
Got trouble pooping!
When I stand
I'm sorta stooping

So, the Golden Years have come at last??
Well, the Golden Years can kiss my *ss!!!

I can see with my trifocals
And my dentures fit me fine.
My hearing aid's a doozy
But I sure do miss my mind!

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. The second house presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most vigorous sex he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F*ck him! Give him a dollar!.' The breakfast was my idea."

You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

You owned a Jordache pocket book (or several of them), or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

In your fifth grade class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.

You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.

You know by heart the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.

The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

You remember the first time Space: Above and Beyond aired - it was called Battlestar Galactica.

You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark".

Three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?

You remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the only way to use your computer!

You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".

You remember Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

You ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller-skate that lasted about a year on the open market.

A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".

You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.

While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play 1999 by Prince over and over again.

You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.

You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to It's the End of the World As We Know It.

You took family trips before the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".

You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.

You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases:
- "When I was younger"
- "When I was your age"
- "You know, back when..."
- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"

Schoolhouse Rock played a huge part in how you actually learned the English language.

You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a good thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.

You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video

The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during Crazy for You by Madonna.

You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

The phrase Where's the beef? still doubles you over with laughter.

you read the Hot Video Games Player's Secrets guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.

(guys) Your first erotic dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hard-core comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.

(gals) You thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on The Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are way cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters ... you are now a teenager and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect you) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

You're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major.

Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.

You ever asked to be gagged with a spoon.

U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.

You ever used the phrase "Kiss mah grits" in conversation.

You remember trying to guess the episode of The Brady Bunch from the first scene.

You spent endless nights dreaming about being The Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or The Six Million Dollar Man.

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).

You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there".

Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: "... and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar.

You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look at Tab.

You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.

"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.

You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times as Ridgemont High.

You owned a Preppy Handbook.

You were too young to go see The Blue Lagoon so you just had to settle for second hand reports.

You remember when there was only "G, PG and R", none of this PG-13 crap.

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

Wonder twin powers, activate! form of ... an iceberg, shape of ... an eagle!!

You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

You ever actually tried to turn on a jukebox by hitting it twice and saying "Heeey!".

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair, a pierced nose ring and colored eye makeup. After a few moments, the young man turned to the old guy and said, "What's the matter, pops, ain't you never done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes, I have. I once had sex with a parrot. I couldn't help wondering if you might be my son ..."

You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Your parents charge rent.

Your parents walk in on you having sex, instead of your roommate.

The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

It's 'getting late' at 9:30 p.m.

Three words: School Loan Payments.

You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.

You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.

Discussing with your friends Then: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey;
Now: IRA's, Interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.

Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.

You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

You empathize with the characters from Friends.

Football "season tickets", which used to be $75 for the season with dozens of friends are now $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down like I used to'.

You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.

One day in a nursing home an old woman and an old man are sitting at the coffee table talking. Out of nowhere the woman says to the man, "I bet I can guess your age."

The old man replies, "No way."

So the old woman says, "OK, take off your pants."

The old man takes his pants off.

So the old woman continues, "OK, now take off your boxers."

"Now jump up and down, then turn around.", says the old woman.

The old man jumps then turns around, all the while she is checking him out. Finally she says, "OK, you're 84 years old."

The old man is in shock. He says, "How'd you know that?"

The old woman replies, "You told me yesterday."

An elderly couple is sitting, rocking on the porch. Maw turns to Paw and says, "F*ck you, Paw." Startled, Paw replies, "Well, f*ck you too, Maw."

They sit for a few moments, and finally maw says, "Hell paw, this oral sex sure ain't near what it's cracked up to be."

Are you feeling old? If not, consider this: The people who started college in the fall of 1997 across the nation were born in 1980.

The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.

They have no memory of a time before M-TV.

The Pretenders, the Kinks, and the Sex Pistols are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.

They were prepubescent during the Persian Gulf War.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

Their world has always included AIDS.

They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids-on video.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audio tapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard) one.

The CD was presented to Wall Street when they were 1 year old.

From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

They have never heard of, nor seen, a slide rule.

Few, if any, have lived without an answering machine.

Few have used a TV set with only 13 channels.

Some use the word "clickers" for "remote control", yet they do not know why they say it.

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. Older women have superior sexual stamina.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes

An older woman is into free sex. An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an *sshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent free. Older women can afford to support you.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial 967-1111.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to boff you too.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Send me mail: cmacina at nac dot net (Sorry there's no link -- this is to reduce spam)

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