Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Orthe bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and whenthey bark, they shoot bees at you?

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's notwhether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

Homer:Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.The lesson is, never try.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubledchild, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours ofTV a day.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animalagain? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.A wonderful... magical animal.

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the SupremeCourt, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes outsomething old! Remember that time I took a homewine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beerkills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...building....thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car withthe woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask whyyou're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam)

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you,but let's get through this thing and then I can continuekilling you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?

Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smellgood, and you'd step over your own mother just to getone! (chugs beer)

Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer:
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to sayyou're prejudiced against all races.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the policeacademy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like thatmovie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark anddisturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. Asan offering, I present these milk and cookies. If youwish me to eat them instead, please give me no signwhatsoever ... thy will be done (munch munch munch).

Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.

Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going towind up back here anyway.

Homer: Things always look the darkest just before it goes totally black

The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence overand over again on a chalkboard, the old "write it 100 times" punishment, presumably toestablish him as a troublemaker. Each episode is different. Someone with a lot of timeon their hands apparently went to the trouble of taping at least 49 episodes of theSimpsons, watching them and writing down what Bart is writing on the board. These arethe collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're not afan, you'll like these:

I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless I'm sick

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr. Death.

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

Coffee is not for kids.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.

The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

I will not call the principal "spud head".

Goldfish don't bounce.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing-eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I am not deliciously saucy.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

I will not waste chalk.

I will not skateboard in the halls.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

I will never win an emmy.

The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Bart: "Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss?"
Moe: "Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney: "Maybe your standards are too high!"
Moe: "You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!"

"Uh, is I.P. Freely here?"
"Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely! Wait a minute ... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!"

"Uh, Jacques Strap!"
"Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap! Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap? It's you, isn't it, ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!"
"Hey, is there a Seymour Butz here?"
"Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a minute ... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!"

"Mike Rotch!"
"Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!"

"Ivana Tinkle?"
"Ivana Tankle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!

"Oliver Clothesoff!"
"Call for Oliver Clothesoff! Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!"

"Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"

"Eura Snotball?"
"What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!"

"Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt! Oh, wait a minute..."

"Bea O'Problem!"
Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here? Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!"

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