Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her,"You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do this!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner ..."

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Two ants were watching. Just then, one said to the other, "We'd better get on the ball before we get killed!"

Hollywood called me, asking "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says, "Why are you hitting me? There's nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race ...

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns into a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss Army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman decides since he's blind she doesn't need to put on her robe. She opens the door stark naked. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The barber comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we traded!

A little man is running a Jewelry store. A man runs in saying "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says "C-C-C-Come in?"

A person asked me "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles ..."

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

What's that? You're Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So ... you're single?"

Take my wife ... please!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food ... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I've never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, *I* stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. A cop pulls her over and asks, "Where are you going?" My wife says, "I must be late, everyone's coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Two Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

If I had blood, I'd blush.

A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.

However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of a democratic government that did not square with his own notion of "rule by an all-powerful tryant".

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. When she goes, that will be it.

Thus, that's how it ends: No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun left on base.

Mickey Mouse goes to see a lawyer, asking for a divorce from Minnie. After several weeks the attorney tells him, "I'm sorry. I've been through all the case law and studied all the precedents. There's no way you're going to be able to divorce your wife just because she's silly.

Mickey becomes angry and says, "I didn't say she was 'silly'. I said she was 'f*ckin' Goofy'!"

(from Cape Times, South Africa, 6/13/96)

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues."

"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.

"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed."

By the way, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes Off Patients."

There once was a small town in which lived a group of monks. These monks, having need of money to fund their monastery, decided to open up a flower shop. The townspeople were very pleased at first, since they hadn't had a flower shop before. However, some people became concerned when they noticed that whenever children were sent to the flower shop to buy (you guessed it!) flowers, they went missing (the children, not the flowers).

A group of citizens went to the shop to see if the monks knew what had happened to them. They entered the store and were immediately impressed and awed by the wide assortment of exotic flora present. However, their admiration turned to horror when one of the larger plants reached down, grabbed a small boy, and swallowed him whole!

The villagers fled the shop screaming, attracting the attention of the other townspeople. As soon as the news was spread, the people decided that the only thing to do was to get rid of the evil monks!

A group of 20 men assembled, armed with clubs and staves. At high noon, they attacked the monks' flower shop. However, they were unprepared for the high level of fighting skills of the brown-robed brothers: The men were beaten back in less than fifteen minutes!

So the townspeople assembled a second group, this time arming them with knives and scythes. At midnight, they attacked. But once again, the merciless monks beat them back, this time in less than ten minutes!

The townspeople were at a loss. Who would save them from the corrupt Cappucins? Suddenly, out of the darkness, stepped Hugh the blacksmith, the tallest, strongest, and most foul-smelling man in the village.

"Do not worry, my friends", said Hugh. "I will rid this town of these evil evangelists!"

The townspeople, having no other alternative (and nothing to lose except a relatively poor blacksmith), armed Hugh with clubs, staves, knives and scythes, and sent him off to vanquish the foul friars. They waited impatiently at the edge of the town, hoping against hope that Hugh would return victorious.

Suddenly, over the crest of the hill, silhouetted against the afternoon sun, appeared Hugh. Over his shoulder was slung the remains of the hideous man-eating plant.

"The monks have fled! Their flowers will trouble us no more!", cried Hugh. The townspeople cried out with joy, and, proclaiming the day a holiday, feasted and danced until dawn.

From that day on, a moral was passed on to all the children of the town. Whenever they were tempted to make fun of Hugh and his slow, smelly ways, they are reminded:

"Remember: Only Hugh Can Prevent Florist Friars"

A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus Company. His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out a mother and her two daughters.

The mother says, "I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne." The driver simply can't believe his eyes -- these kids are big. Really big. I mean, they're FAT.

The mother says, "Now, Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age ..." He keeps his tongue under control as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats.

At the next stop he sees a mother and her young son. "I'd like you to meet my son Ross. He's very special." Ross can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

The mother says, "My Ross is very special. I want you to give him special treatment every day." Ross proudly seats himself right up front.

At the next stop the bus driver finds a mother and another little boy. The mother says, "I am Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester." Lester is a pitiful sight. The poor guy is limping painfully. The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet." The driver nods sympathetically.

The driver helps Lester limp to his seat. As he drives away, he sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way Lester picks at his feet. The driver shudders and drives on.

He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn. He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks up to the boss and yells, "I quit!"

The boss says, "Why?"

And the bus driver answers, "How could I take a job where all I have to look forward to every day is ... Two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Cleese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus?"

Given:    Barney is a cute purple dinosaur

Prove:    Barney is Satan

       1) Start with the given:          CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

       2) Change all U's to V's:         CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
          (which is the proper Latin anyway)

       3) Extract all Roman Numerals:    C V   V  L   D I  V

       4) Convert into Arabic values:  100 5   5 50 500 1  5

       5) Add all the numbers:         666

       Thus, Barney is the AntiChrist.
       Q.E.D.

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers. It went out to all IBM branch offices circa 1990. It is NOT a joke. The person who wrote it was VERY serious. The memo is reproduced verbatim except for the passages in [brackets].

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU [Field Replacement Unit]

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:

P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

[Name withheld](416) 644-4582
DRP Coordinator 8-247-4582
EDS Internal Controls (416) 644-7509 (FAX LINE)

This is an actual letter from the Smithsonian Institution. The story behind it is that there's this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!

---

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.