St. Peter was at the Pearly Gates when a rowdy crowd from New York City showed up. St. Peter said he would have to check with God. God instructed him to admit them, saying, "For better or worse, they are, after all, still My children."

A few minutes later, St. Peter was back before God, all out of breath. He said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied St. Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

Three health care professionals die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?"

The first replies, "I was a surgeon. I saved countless lives."

"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."

Saint Peter then asks the second, "Why do you belong here?"

The second answers, "I was a family practitioner. I treated young and old alike. I made them well again."

"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."

Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?"

The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped allow for thousands to receive medical care."

"Okay, you can come in." replies Saint Peter, "But you can only stay a day and a half."

A teacher, a used car salesman and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that hit the iceberg and sank with a great loss of life? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate. Next, St. Peter turned to the used car salesman and, since he wasn't sure Heaven had a need for this sort of person, decided to make the question a little harder. He asked, "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the salesman had just seen the movie. "1,503," he answered. "That's right. You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

A 75 year old woman had a vision one night. She saw and spoke to God. She asked him, "how much time do I have to live?"

He said, "You have 35 years left."

She figured as long as she had another 35 years she was going to look young again. So she had a ton of cosmetic surgery a face lift, a tummy tuck, a nose job, liposuction ... she completely did herself over.

After all this was done, she was hit by a car and killed. When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years!"

God replied, "Oh Good grief!!! I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through his Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
After going through the book several times, St. Peter furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to their leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago."

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent 'Easy Reading' to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'...the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!!"

Cyrus, a New England farmer, dies and goes to hell. The Devil notices that Cyrus is not suffering like the rest. The Devil checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to Cyrus and asks why he's so happy. Cyrus says "I like it here. The temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer as well as attitude, and decides to get him. So he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for Cyrus. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes Cyrus again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says: "This is even better. It's like pulling weeds and stumps in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make this New Englander suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what this farmer is up to," he says. He finds Cyrus sitting on the floor even happier then before.The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the farmer why he's happy now. Cyrus replies, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my family and friends in August."
The Devil says "That's it, I know how to get to this guy." He goes over and turns the temperature way down to zero degrees and zero humidity. "Let's see what this jerk has to say about this now!"
The Devil looks around and finds Cyrus jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Red Sox have finally won the World Series!!!!"

An avid golfer passed away, and was greeted at the Gates of Heaven by God. The Almighty inquired "Have you ever sinned, my son?"
The man responded, "Yes Lord, I said the 'F word' once, during a round of golf".
When the Almighty asked him about the circumstances surrounding his sin the man said, "I was playing a tough par 4 and absolutely killed my drive, but hooked the ball into a thick stand of trees."
God asked, "So thats when you said the 'F word'?" The man said, "No, I actually hit the best 3 iron of my life, and threaded the ball around the trees dead at the pin, but the ball hit a sprinkler-head just short of the green, and ricocheted right under the lip of the sand trap".
God asked "So that's when you uttered the F word?"
The man replied "No, from the bunker I took my wedge, and with a fantastic swing got the ball up, and struck the pin ending up about 2 feet from the pin".
God said knowingly "So that's when you said the 'F word' isn't it?"
The man replied "No, I didn't do it then."
God looked at him increduously and yelled "Don't tell me you missed the f*cking putt!"

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