A young engaged couple is killed in a car accident. As they're standing in line at the pearly gates, they lament over the fact that they never had the chance to get married. When they finally get to St. Peter, the man asks, "Is it possible for a couple to get married in heaven?"

St. Peter looks a little surprised and says, "No one has ever asked me that before, but I don't see why not." He takes the couple to a small room and tells them to wait there until he comes back.

So the couple waits. And waits. And waits a little longer. Four months go by and they're still waiting. In that time they've had only each other to talk to and have gotten to know each other extremely well. While they still want to get married, they're not nearly as enthusiastic about the idea.

At last St. Peter comes back. This time the woman speaks. "We still want to be married," she says, "but I just wanted to know....um....you know, just in case....uh....is it possible to get a divorce in heaven?"

St. Peter gives her a look that lets her know he's more than a little annoyed and says, "Look, it's taken me four months to find a preacher around here. How long do you think it's going to take me to find a lawyer?"

... does it take to change a light bulb?

WHEREAS the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in the manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership".

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking along the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking on the side of the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud, satisfying "THUMP!". Then he would swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was going along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled his truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD!!". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off.

"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?"

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft. Hunting from MedEvac helicopters is expressly prohibited.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to use cocain, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. There will be a $500 bounty on pelts of attorneys elected to government office.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disquise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.

Bag Limits

          Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder                     5
          Skinny-Assed Ambulance Chaser                 5
          Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender             10
          Hairless Civil Libertarian                    7
          Horse or Cattle Rustler Defender             50
          Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator             No limit
          Honest Attorney                           Extinct

A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining." The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?" The harried witness paused for a moment and replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."

A1: 54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services.

A2: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder and the third to sue the ladder company.

A3: How many can you afford?

A1: The vulture eventually lets go

A2: Frequent Flyer miles.

A3: Vultures can't take their wing tips off.

A4: Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.

A lawyer is working at his desk when suddenly there is puff of smoke and the devil appears in front of him. "I have a proposition for you," says the devil. "If you take me up on my offer your life will never be the same. Every case you try you will win. Your clients will thank you for every thing you do and pay your bills by return mail without complaining. Every secretary you hire will look like Claudia Schiffer and be a nymphomaniac. You will be wealthy beyond all need and be esteemed by all your colleagues. You will live to a ripe old age and die peacefully in your sleep."
"All I want from you in exchange for that," says the devil "are a few things ... I want your soul, your wife's soul and the souls of all of you children. I want the souls of your parents and all of your ancestors and the souls of all of your descendants until the end of time. Finally, I want the souls of all of your friends and the souls of their wives and children."
The lawyer thinks about it for a second and asks, "What's the catch?"

A lawyer dies and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. St. Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for what?!?" says St. Peter. "You must know that you have lived longer than any human being who ever inhabited the earth. We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I died of a heart attack at the age of 52."
"No," says Saint Peter, "you must have been at least 160 years old. We added up the hours you billed."

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you wish for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"That's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

Q: "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

Q: "Were you alone, or by yourself?"

Q: "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

Q: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Q: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None.
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, you dummy, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr. Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on... what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life!"

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, sneaked up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
A: Three reasons: Lawyers are more plentiful, the researchers don't get as attached to them and ... there are some things a lab rat simply will not do. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythical creatures.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the waste line to the wrong suer.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: How are lawyers like computers?
A: Both have been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not become twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman Pinscher.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

"A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs."
--Anonymous

"Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent."
--Oscar Wilde

"Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage."
--Ambrose Bierce

"Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief."
--Franz Kafka

"The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer."
--Will Rogers

After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, he found the cows and the pig.

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, as soon as the police leave," replied the attorney.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you are out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was surprised, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered."

"Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, the *sshole and the mouth ... and those are interchangeable."

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he asked the doctor, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to distant parts to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, "Justice prevailed."

The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

When asked "What is a contingent fee?", a lawyer answered, "If we lose, I get nothing. If we win, you get nothing."

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."

A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners.

The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust.

And the lawyer's dog was screwing all the others.

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.

Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

A lawyer was on vacation when his sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters. He started swimming toward the far-off shore, wondering how he could make it safely. As he was swimming, the sharks seemed to make way for him, helping him reach shore safely. Why?

Professional courtesy.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "Why does each clock move at a different speed?"

"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil.

"I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"

"We keep that clock in the workshop and use it as a fan."

One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.

A grade school teacher asked her students what their parents did for a living. "Billy, you be first," she said, "What does you mother do all day?"

Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Johnny?"

Johnny proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Johnny's house and rang the bell. Johnny's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

The father said, "Actually, I'm an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.

The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician had to remove Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed, saying, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden."

"I've got you both beat," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but a lawyer could have created that?"

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer-a rough-hewn man with callused hands who was dressed in workman's clothing. He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"

After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows." "Don't worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an engineer and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The engineer thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an Orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out -- and so knowledge accumulates.

A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, Phantom of the Opera, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.

The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.

"Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.

"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened.

Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them.

The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at the law firm Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed.

As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone."

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy you'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you!"

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it!," the attorney said.

A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted.

His wife asks, "What's the matter?"

"My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer replied. "That's terrible," said his wife.

"You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry...."

"Everybody in my family follows the medical profession," said John. "They're all lawyers."

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?

An ambulance backed up suddenly.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night.

"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."

"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life."

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! my BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! My God, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery, she went for a twilight stroll among the cattle. Suddenly, she stepped in something soft.

She looked down and shouted to her husband, "Honey! I'm melting!"

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again."

Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into the river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow it into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, " Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering ... Do you have any brass lawyers?"

A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare included:

                       Sauteed Tourist     $10
                       Braised Reporter    $12
                       Fried Diplomat      $15
                       Barbecued Lawyer   $110

A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.

The headhunter replied, "If you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand."

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

A true story. The author writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

Send me mail: cmacina at nac dot net (Sorry there's no link -- this is to reduce spam)

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