A Parson contacted one of his parishioners, who happened to be a house painter. "The church really needs a coat or two of paint, Bob. Can you help? We should have enough money in the coffers to cover the materials."

"Sure, Parson. I'll start next week."

Bob measured the job by eye, then bought the paint he felt he would need. That took almost all the money the parson had allocated for the job. When Bob Started working, he discovered he would be several gallons short. "Well, I'll just have to thin it some," he told himself.

He added water and continued painting. There still would not be enough paint. Bob added more water.

Finally, he finished the job. That night a hard rain fell and washed off most of the thinned paint. "Bob," the Parson said, "I don't know what to do." "Neither do I," the painter replied.

From the clear sky they heard a crack of thunder. A booming voice called out:

"Repaint, and thin no more!"

Would you like to join ...

The Yoko Club? Oh, no.

The German philosophy club? I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?

The Arafat club? Yassir!

The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.

The Ebert movie club? Roger.

The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club? Noh.

The quarterback club? I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club? I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club? Si.

The anti-perspirant club? Sure.

The pregancy club? Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group God willing!

[ CAUTION: Extremely questionable tase. Proceed at your own risk ]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...
     ...hanging on a wall? Art
     ...who supports Art? Brad
     ...under a car? Axel
     ...supporting a car? Jack
     ...packing a phaser? Ray
     ...in a mailbox? Bill
     ...at the beach? Sandy
     ...in the ocean? Bob
     ...in the ocean waterskiing? Skip
     ...with a lot of money? Rich
     ...in a bank? Buck
     ...stealing money from a bank? Rob
     ...on your shoulder? Chip
     ...and his friend hanging around a window? Curt 'n Rod
     ...covered with oil? Derrick
     ...with a spade? Doug
     ...without a spade? Douglas
     ...flying over the fence? Homer
     ...in a GMC? Jimmy
     ...in the bathroom? John
     ...impaled on a sword? Lance
     ...on a porch? Matt
     ...on a piece of paper? Mark
     ...on stage? Mike
     ...in a hole? Phil
     ...on a hill? Roland
     ...under a bush? Russell
     ...in a hot tub? Stew
     ...with a CB radio? Roger
     ...with a pet rabbit? Warren
     ...carrying a casket? Paul
     ...putting a casket in the ground? Barry
     ...who hasn't shaved in a while? Harry
     ...in a lion's den? Claude
     ...working out? Jim
     ...eating a hot dog? Frank
     ...wearing blue denim pants? Gene

What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs...
     ...floating on a pond? Lily
     ...hanging on a clothes line? Peg
     ...between two slices of bread? Patty
     ...with her uncle? Denise
     ...coloring Ann's hair? Dianne
     ...bad-mouthing African Americans? Rachel

What does a gal with one leg call herself? Eileen
What does an Asian gal with one leg call herself? Irene

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now, you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt; the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced.

Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was now known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

Nurse Nancy was a nice person, but one neuron short of a synapse, if you know what I mean.

The doctor she was assigned to knew this and tried to give her the type of assignment where she could do the least damage. He assigned her to a patient with a painful but not life threatening disorder.

Suddenly, he looks up to see his patient racing down the hall. Before he can react, he sees Nurse Nancy following him, carrying a pot of steaming hot water.

He immediately turned and ran after her, yelling, "No, no, Nurse Nancy. I asked you to prick his boil!!"

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer."

The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some assh*le has my pen."

10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone

10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles

500 millinaries = 1 seminary

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

10**12 pins = 1 terrapin

10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickles = 2 paradigms

2 snake eyes = 1 paradise

2 wharves = 1 paradox

A man went to a proctologist for his first exam. The receptionist showed him to in the examining room and asked him to wait.

The man noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the examining table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "This is my first appointment, and I have a question. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for. But what do you do with the beer?"

The doctor became noticeably angry and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

A few days before Christmas, a man goes to a pet store looking for a unique gift to give his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for: a beautiful parrot named Chet who sings Christmas Carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be very interested in singing.

The manager says, "Watch!" He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a lighter, lights it and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately the bird starts singing, "Silent Night, Holy Night".

The man is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter to Chet's right foot. The bird starts singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way ..."

The man says, "This bird is perfect. I'll take him."

He rushes home to his wife, presents Chet and starts to demonstrate his special talent. He holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings, "Silent Night Holy Night". Then he moves the lighter to Chet's right foot and again Chet sings a round of Jingle Bells.

The wife is very impressed and with a mischievous grin takes the lighter and holds it between the bird's legs.

Immediately, the bird begins to sing: "Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire ..."

Two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush. "How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold, not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? They're having a bar mitzvah. There'll be lots of flowers and fruit."

Bee number two buzzes his thanks and takes off. A short time later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.

"Great!" replies the second. "Just as you said, there was plenty of everything, and more pollen than I've ever seen. It was fantastic!!"

Just then, the first bee notices a small white circle on his friend's head. He asks, "What's that?"

"It's a yarmulke," comes the reply. "I couldn't let them think I was a WASP!"

There once was a snake farmer who had a pair of vipers he was trying to breed. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local herpetologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes, and looked at them.

"See that tree over there?" she said, "Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and made two tables out of them. Put the table and snakes into a cage, and leave them alone for a while."

The breeder thought this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few weeks later, he had a whole slew of baby snakes.

He called up the expert, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders, and everybody knows that adders can only multiply on log tables."

The couple left the gynecologist’s office with the wife in tears. They had just been told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing the man a card.

"Why the mask?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, you will have your baby ... an exact replica of you."

"This is the answer to our prayers!" the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.

Suddenly, a deep booming voice announced, "That was ... the Clone Arranger!!"

Many years ago, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans had a problem with a mountain lion. This lion had cost Roy and Dale a number of head of cattle, but what really got Roy's attention was one night the big cat crept onto the front porch of their house and mangled Roy's brand new cowboy boots, which he had left outside overnight. That was the final straw. Roy saddled up Trigger, called for his faithful dog Bullet and rode off to find the mountain lion.

He found the lion, shot it and tied the carcass across Trigger's back for the ride home. As he rode up to the house, Dale pointed to the lion's body and said:

"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked, "What for?"

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I want you to have lost at least five pounds."

When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly twenty pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

A man was driving along the highway and saw a large rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry, she'd take care of it. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead creature and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around and again waved at the two humans. The run-stop-wave-run cycle continued until the rabbit was well out of sight.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what this magic substance could be. He demanded excitedly, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so he could read the label. It said:

Acme Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair
Adds permanent wave

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those day-vorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Mickey Mouse consults a divorce lawyer. The lawyer says, "I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse. I've checked case law and researched precedent, and I'm afraid I can't advise you to proceed with this action. You can't get a divorce simply because your wife is silly.

Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's silly. I said she's f*cking Goofy!"

After extensive investigation by both the Russian and US space agencies, spokespersons from both organizations announced that they have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In a terse statement at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday: "We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nation's team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only:

OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.
"Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Mary, ""What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Mary. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY F*CKING CAR!!"

A mamma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. One day the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors' register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son, Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait until the nun signs, Shelly!"

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here are some of his less well-known relatives:

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia: U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white: Hugh Gogh
The sister who wore a mini skirt and like to dance in bars: Go Gogh
The real obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store: Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The cousin who moved to Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico: Amee Gogh
Another cousin, who moved to Mexico: Grin Gogh
Nephew that drove a stage coach: Wells Far Gogh
Uncle who was constipated: Cant Gogh
Aunt who was a good dancer: Tan Gogh

The Lion Attacked, Claude Yarmoff

How to Write Big Books, Warren Peace

The Art of Archery, Beau N. Arrow

Songs for Children, Barbara Blacksheep

Irish Heart Surgery, Angie O'Plasty

Split Personalities, Jacqueline Hyde

Under the Bleachers, Seymour Butts

Desert Crossing, I. Rhoda Camel

School Truancy, Marcus Absent

I Was a Cloakroom Attendant, Mahatma Coate

I Lost My Balance, Eileen Dover and Phil Down

Mystery in the Barnyard, Hu Flung Dung

Positive Reinforcement, Wade Ago

Shhh! Danielle Soloud

The Philippine Post Office, Imelda Letter

Things to Do at a Party, Bob Frapples

Stop Arguing, Xavier Breath

Come on In! Doris Open

The German Bank Robbery, Hans Zupp

I Hate the Sun, Gladys Knight

Prison Security, Barb Dwyer

Irish First Aid, R.U. O'Kaye

My Career As a Clown, Abe Ozo

The World's Deadliest Joke, Theophilus Punoval

Here's Pus in Your Eye, Lance Boyle

My Life on Skid Row, Titus A. Drum

I Didn't Do It! Ivan Alibi

Why I Eat at McDonalds, Tommy Ayk

I Hit the Wall, Isadore There

The Bruce Lee Story, Marsha Larts

Take This Job and Shove It, Ike Witt

Rapunzel Rapunzel, Harris Long

How I Won the Marathon, Randy Hoelway

Songs from "South Pacific" Sam and Janet Evening

A man walks into a bar and sits down at a table. while waiting for a waitress, he helps himself to a bowl of peanuts. While munching them, he hears, barely audibly, a voice say, "nice hair!" he looks around, but sees no one. He shrugs and goes back to his peanuts. Then he hears, very quietly, "great suit!" again he looks around, but no one is close to him. He decides he must be imagining it, but then he hears, faintly, "nice tie!"

When the waitress arrives, he asks, somewhat embarrassed, Excuse me, but do other patrons ever hear little voices in here?"

She smiles and says, "Oh, those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."

After examining his patient, the dentist says, "I see some serious degeneration here. Do you smoke?" The patient answers, "No." "Do you drink a lot of coffee? Eat a lot of sweets?" "No, not at all." "What about acidic foods? Do you use vinegar or eat a lot of tomatoes?" "No, but ... my wife just recently learned to make Hollandaise sauce. I've become very fond of it, and I eat it on everything: steak, salad, you name it."

The dentist says, "Ah! So that explains it! It's the acid from the lemon juice in the sauce. I'll have to make your next plate out of chrome." "Why chrome?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine.

Q: Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
A: Because he was chicken.

Q: What did Snow White say when her pictures didn’t come back from the photo lab?
A: "Some day my prints will come."

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Disgruntled.

Q: What do you call a cow that has an abortion?
A: Decalfinated.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with a bunch of musicians?
A: A Drummer.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says to his band members?
A: "Hey guys I wrote a song!"

Q: What has 18 legs and goes round and round?
A: A baseball team trapped in a revolving door!

Q: What has 28 legs and sleeps 7?
A: The Los Angeles Lakers bench!

Q: What did they call Jim Morrison when he performed a spinning dance step on stage?
A: A revolving door!

Q: What do you call a guy who sticks his right arm in a shark's mouth?
A: Lefty!

Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
A: Does this taste funny to you?

Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
A: I wanna get a head!

Q: Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
A: Because it's too cold out Tide.

Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q: What did the alien dandelion say to when it landed?
A: Take me to your weeder!

Q: Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
A: Because he was shellfish.

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

Q: The man who invented the "Hokey Pokey" recently died. You know how they buried him?
A: They put his right leg in, they put his right leg out, they put his right leg in and they shook it all about!

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.

Q: Where do ghouls go after Junior High?
A: Highs Ghoul.

Q: What is a fishes favorite country?
A: Finland.

Q: What kind of pickle growns south of the equator?
A: A Tropickle.

Q: What does one call a person who stuffs cabs?
A: A taxi-dermist.

Q: What kind of can flies over the ocean and eats a lot of fish?
A: A Pelican.

Q: What kind of car is hardest to hit?
A: A Dodge.

Q: What state do cows like best?
A: Cow-lorado.

Q: What do you call the King of the Russian fish?
A: Czardine.

Q: What is the cheapest way to buy holes?
A: Holesale.

Q: What it is called when a lot of stamps run out of the post office?
A: A stampede.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven...

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

When the fortune teller laughed at me I hit a happy medium

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

In 1820 the branding iron was invented.
The cattle were impressed.

And then there was the Indian chief who put electric lights in the areas used for relief of bodily needs. He wanted to be the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

One foot was looking for another foot to marry because it wanted a sole-mate.

Sign on a hair salon: "Curl Up and Dye"

"She said I lived in an ugly house, so I knocked her flat!"

Halloween Costume ideas: A pair of fuzzy dice with a map (Pair-'a-dice-lost) or an MD with fangs and a cape (Doc-ula)

If you run over a clown from "In Living Color," will you be charged with vehicular Homey-cide?

Heard at an optometrist's convention: "The Eyes have it"

Did you hear about the bank who wanted its bankrupt customer brought in "Debtor Alive"?

What do the starship Enterprise and Van Gogh have in common? They are both searching for the Final Front Ear!

On the tombstone of a farmer whose dying wish was to be buried in his vegetable garden: "Rest in Peas"

Favorite book of cleaners: "Grime and Punishment"

Sign on entrance to delicatessen: KNOCKWURST BEFORE ENTERING!

Someone I know has a dentist named Dr. Parradine. If he moved his office, it would be a "Parradine-shift."

Aetheism is a non-prophet organization.

Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

Two maggots were fighting in dead Earnest

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because it had no guts!

Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was too chicken.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

He was just an average cannibal, a guy with a wife and ate children.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? Lots of Room

What does Mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm.

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.

A hamburger walks into a bar and asks for a drink the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet

What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.

What do you call a missing parrot? Polygon.

Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store

What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got p*ssed off

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt

What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens

Why can't skeletons play music in church? They have no organs!

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.

Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.

Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill.

Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.

What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
Law suits.

What direction does a sneeze travel?
Atchoo!

Did you hear about the optician's daughter who only took two glasses and made a spectacle of herself?

The women's Olympic swimming champion was a girl worth wading for.

What did one horse say to the other?
"I can't remember your mane but your pace is familiar."

Why are veterinarians so exclusive?
Because so many of their patients are pre-furred customers.

Did you hear about the fellow who knew so much about ducks that he tended to talk down to people?

Little known fact: One day, Mr. Ed couldn't perform because he was feeling a little horse.

An ailing old man who was eating chickpeas at his favorite restaurant saved the chef's life and was honored post-humous-ly.

How did the champion vegetable patch keep its title?
It just couldn't be beet.

The Army dental corps always has a good drill unit

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Definition of a folk singer: An avante bard

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

A doctor passed a nurse in the hallway. He cauterize and winked. She intern winked back.

Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"

A nun walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I have this terrible habit..."

A Czechoslovakian man was running from hit men and needed a place to hide, so he ran into a bank and asked the teller, "Would you be so kind as to cache a Czech?"

Did you hear about the group of journalists who formed a "clothing optional" track club? Their motto was "All the Nudes That’s Fit to Sprint"

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
Litre Vino.

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath".
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath.
The dairy guys ask "Pasteurized?"
"Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin should do it."

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

A guy traded a bird for some sausage.
He took a tern for the wurst.

Then there was the bird-hater at the beach who gathered some rocks ...
He left no tern unstoned.

If NASA were to launch some cows into orbit to study the effect of weightlessness on milk production, it would be the herd shot 'round the world.

A scientist was raising a colony of European crows to study genetics.
His friends all asked him, "Bred any good rooks lately?"

Animal rights activists want to outlaw the big round bales of hay.
They claim farm animals can't get a square meal.

Two mountain men were discussing the route to the next town. As they looked at the map, the first man pointed to the map and warned the second man "Be careful as you pass this grizzly den, that bear is mean."
The second man asked if there was a safer route.
The first replied "No, that's a bear you'll just have to cross."

When you teach a lizard to walk, does it become a stand up chameleon?

Remember - vultures fly with only carrion luggage.

Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath?
It was enough tequila mockingbird.

When the maharajah of an Indian province outlawed the killing of tigers, the citizens revolted and dethroned him.
It was the first recorded instance of a reign called on account of game.

Sarcasm: Quip lash

Coup d'etat: Rock and Rule

You may lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
... Dorothy Parker

"Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that all you think about?"

Did you hear about the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with?
He had to buy a duet-yourself kit.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Fine print: A clause for suspicion

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Baker's motto: "It's nice to be kneaded."

The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar.

"Termites never die. They just go on living happily ever rafter."

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Naturally, it sank, proving once again that "you can't have your kayak and heat it too."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!"

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"

Where do Polish priests learn to make pierogis? In pierogial school.

Sign in a book-store window: "Prices on most things are going up, but the cost of our writing paper remains stationery"

Sign in a travel agency window: "Let us show you our bag of treks"

On a restaurant menu: "Our fish come from the best schools"

Advertisement for an ecumenical conference: "Get to know the opposite sects"

Sign at entrance to an organic farm: "We till it like it is"

Picture-frame shop sign: "Let us take care of your hang-ups"

Sign at a perfume counter: "One-scent Sale"

Bumper Sticker: "Honk if you love tennis. If you can't honk, make a racquet."

Sign on a plumbers truck, "In our business, a flush beats a full house".

Sign on a roadside stand, "Cider easy to get now ... will be hard later".

Sign on a cage in a pet store, "Noisy birds for sale ... CHEEP!"

Did you hear that it was our Northeastern Native Americans around 1620 who were the first to believe that the April showers bring Mayflowers?

The first janitors' union called for sweeping reforms.

The first lubricant for chair wheels was called castor oil.

The first cooking oil was bottled on Fry Day.

The invention of cardboard belts soon led to the first waist paper.

A Filipino was hired by the circus as a contortionist and became the first Manila folder.

The first artificial fish was a plastic sturgeon.

The first school was thought to be a classy place.

When the first textile school opened, their students quickly became very materilistic.

The First Army's dental unit had a good drill team.

A guy goes into a restaurant and is met by a bouncer who tells him that gentlemen are required to wear neckties. He goes out to his car and he looks for a tie, but he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, managing to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot. He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer looks him over carefully and says, "Well ... okay, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

A pirate captain and his first mate are in a swamp looking for treasure. The swamp began to get deeper, and deeper, and soon the men's feet are submerged, then their ankles, and finally entire their legs below the knees was covered in swamp. At that time the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, he found gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"

Two carrots were walking down the road when suddenly one was struck by a car. The injured carrot was taken to the hospital. His friend spent hours pacing around the waiting room, worried sick. Finally, the doctor came in. The carrot begged the doctor to tell him everything. "The good news," the doctor said, "is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

An Englishman and a citizen of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. Becoming suspicious, they killed the two bears. They cut open the stomach of the she-bear, and found the Englishman. The leader of the party then observed, "You all know what this means -- the Czech is in the male."

Two Polish gentlemen drove out into the woods to go bear hunting. Before long, they came to a fork in the road. A sign at the fork said, "Bear Left".
So they went home.

Very early one morning, two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

aardvark - n. heavy labor (such as, "It is aardvark, but it pays well.")

acoustic - n. what you use to shoot pool

barium - v. that which is done after cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) fails

baroque - (adj.): 1 : when you are out of Monet; 2 : how you will end up if you buy too much 17th- and 18th-century art

benign - n. what you be after you be eight

bigamist - n. an Italian fog (Such as, "Guido, thisa weather isa onea bigamist.")

bulldozer - n. one who sleeps through microbiology lectures

cache - v. to perform monetary exchange (Such as, "The Czechoslovakian midget knocked on his friend's door and said, The Russian police are after me! Can't you please cache a small Czech?"

Camelot - n. a place where camels are parked

Cleopatra - n. Queen of Denial

damnation - n. beaver country

debate - n. what attracts de fish

duet - n. a performance by two musicians (Such as, "The man couldn't find anyone to sing with, so he went out and bought a duet yourself kit".)

Earl - n. a water-immiscible fluid (Such as, "When his lordship's crew mutinied during a storm, they poured the Earl onto troubled waters".)

fault - n. an unintentional mistake (as with the California cult that tries to prevent earthquakes by throwing money into crevasses, thereby proving that Californians are generous to a fault.) See San Andreas Fault.

galleon - n. a liquid measure (Such as, "Before cars were invented, Spaniards were able to go for thousands of miles on a galleon".)

guillotine - n. a French chopping center

hearse - n. a means of transportation (Such as, The undertaker asked the manufacturer to paint his newest vehicle light blue, because he thought it was time to try a hearse of a different color.)

incongruous - n. where our country's laws are made

isolate - v. the beginning of a tardy excuse (Such as, Isolate because my car broke down)

igloo - n. a special type of adhesive (such as, I used igloo to keep my ig from falling apart)

lamb stew - n. much ado about mutton

malady - n. the repeating part of a tune (such as, the song is over but the malady lingers on) see thong

medical staff - n. a hiking stick used by physicians

metronome - n. a city elf

myth - n. a title for an unmarried women

paradox - n. two Ph.D.s

paradigm - n. 20 cents

patient - n. the raw material out of which a surgeon carves a career

pasteurize - v. something moving quickly in front of your face

rink - adj. the sound made by a cheap bell

San Andreas Fault - n. a theological doctrine which holds that, if California falls into the ocean, Saint Andreas is responsible. (see fault)

serpentine - n. a fluid useful for getting paint off of snakes

sorcerer - n. the plate that goes under a tea cup

sore throat - n. horse and buggy

specimen - n. Italian astronauts (Such as, "Those guys over there the helmeted suits are specimen".)

supersedes - n. what you need to grow super plants

thong - n. a musical selection with words (such as, The thong has ended, but the malady lingers on.) see "malady"

vice versa - n. poetry not fit for the kiddies to read

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart ... decomposing."

Nate the snake is slithering along the ground and comes upon a lever in the ground. Being a curious little snake, he wraps himself around the lever and starts to pull it.

Just then a little bird flies down and cries "Stop, if you pull that lever the world will end!" So very carefully, Nate uncoils from the lever and begins to slither away.

Just then he sees a bolder rolling toward the lever. Being a brave little snake, he tries his best to stop the bolder. Alas, he is just too small and weak. The bolder rolls over Nate, squishing him flat. However, in the process Nate diverts the bolder just enough so that it misses the lever.

The little bird sees this and exclaims with relief, "Whew ... better Nate than lever."

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