This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.

You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content.

Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help you decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues.

In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In every case, though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing logic.

The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).

You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail's suggestions.

The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone else's FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction.

Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cut off from interaction with your own FeMail.

Because of the complexity and high level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch.

Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system.

Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!!

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. When he opened the bottle a genie appeared. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a while and said, "Gee ... I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to because I won't fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So my wish is for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a while and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the pilings needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh, what makes them cry, why they are so temperamental, why they are so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered briefly and said, "So ... do you want two lanes or four?"

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Barry Manilow, Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster dinner.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

Cats never spend an entire weekend watching sporting events.

Cats never expect to have their meals brought to them while watching sporting events.

Cats never ask you to bring them a beer when sprawled out in a chair or on the couch.

Cats never get upset or pout when you have a headache.

Cats never leave their whiskers in the bathroom sink.

Cats never leave the toilet seat up.

Cats never complain about how long you’ve been in the bathroom.

Cats clean up after themselves.

Cats don’t pass gas while pretending to start a motorcycle.

Cats don’t even attempt to belch a song, words, or the alphabet.

When a cat falls asleep on top of you, you can still breathe.

When your attractive girlfriends come to visit, cats treat them the same as everyone else: they ignore them, or hide.

If your cat tends to run around at night, you can remove that aspect of his anatomy that causes this behavior. It's legal, and there are people who will do this for you for a nominal fee.

If your cat has a tendency to ruin your furniture, again you can have that aspect of his anatomy removed, same as above.

Cats don’t automatically blame you for things that break or for scratches on the new car.

Cats don’t criticize your method of repairing those broken things.

Cats don’t snore.

Cats don’t clutter up the garage, driveway or backyard, with old cars, car parts, tools and/or sporting equipment.

Cats never spend money on old cars, car parts, tools and/or sporting equipment.

Cats never ask, "When did you buy that?" or "Is that new?" or "How much did that dress cost?" or "Don’t you have enough shoes?"

The only closet space a cat needs is room enough to sleep.

When a cat pees in the yard, he at least buries it.

Cats never expect you to cook for them, and opening a can of tuna is considered gourmet cooking.

Cats never complain when the house is a mess; they prefer it that way.

Cats like dirty dishes in the sink, on the counter or on the table. They will even help clean them off before you put them in the dishwasher.

Cats never ask you why they have no clean underwear.

Cats never bring other drunk cats home.

Cats never come home drunk after being with other cats.

Cats don’t crush beer cans on their heads and grunt.

The only things cats stalk are small rodents, birds and reptiles.

Cats don’t feel the need to bond with other cats. In fact, they don’t even like other cats. They love only you, especially after they've been altered.

Cats love to lie by your side in bed while you read romance novels and never complain that the light is still on at midnight.

Cats always wink at you and give you a loving look while lying in bed with you, expecting nothing in return.

Cats never ask you to lick them even though they are willing to lick you.

Cats don’t care where you rub them.

Cats never fantasize about someone else while you are loving them.

Cats don’t treat you differently when other cats are around.

Cats don’t ever get angry at inanimate objects they can’t fix or have made worse trying to fix.

Cats don’t pretend to understand words outside of their vocabulary.

Cats don’t misuse words outside of the vocabulary.

Cats don’t ever pretend they are listening.

Cats don’t yell, Cats don’t use foul language, and ...

Cats never ask you to be anything other than what you are.

by Johanna
September 97

Aaaack (aak) interj
An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is now.

Airhead (ehr-hed) n
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Barbeque (bar-bi-q) n
You bought groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions, marinated meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made dinner."

Baseball Bat (bas-bol bat) n
An anti-burglar device.

Black Jeans (blak jeenz) n
Formal wear (see Blue Jeans)

Blue Jeans (blu jeenz) n
Casual wear (see Black Jeans)

Children (chil-dren) n
What men become when they get the flu.

Computer (kom-pew-ter) n
The one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it to.

Dog (dawg) n
A creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet.

Eternity (e-ter-ni-tee) n
The last two minutes of a football game.

Four Food Groups, the (for fud groops) n
Chocolate, soda, potato chips and ice cream.

Grocery List (grow-ser-ee list) n
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Home (hom) n
A dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people.

Idunno (i-dun-no) n
The person who broke your favorite vase.

Kiss (kis) n
A small token of affection, usually chocolate.

Men's Sale (minz sal) n
It's OK to get one on sale, just make sure the store has a good return policy.

New Age (noo aj) n
The age a woman gives instead of her real age.

Opinion (o-pin-yen) n
Advice you get whether you ask for it or not.

Pizza (peet-za) n
An excellent breakfast food.

Pregnancy (pre-nan-see) n
You gain 30 lbs of water weight, but he says "we're pregnant."

Romance Novel (ro-mans-nov-el) n
A completely believable story in which an arrogant, boorish, rude, cold-hearted cad by day turns into a sensitive, caring, thoughtful, passionate lover by night.

Screwdriver (skrew-dri-ver) n
A hardware tool designed to be turned around and used as a hammer.

Significant Other (sig-nif-i-kant uth-er) n
Someone you've introduced to your parents.

Stretch Marks (strech marcs) n
Badges of honor.

Teddy Bear (ted-ee bare) n
A companion who gives you a hug whenever you want, never snores, doesn't bother you when you're talking on the phone and doesn't eat the last chocolate chip cookie.

Valentine's Day (val-en-tinz dae) n
When you have dreams of a candelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Weight Lfting (wate lif-ting) n
What every woman does when she carries her baby, purse and two bags groceries.

Yippee (yip-ee) interj
What a woman thinks when a man says he'll call -- and then does.

Zillion (zil-yen) n
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

How do you scare a man?
- Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
- They work at 900 numbers.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
- In the pages of a romance novel.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
- Exchange him.

Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
- No phone numbers.

Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.

      What Women Say              ... What They Mean ------------------------      ------------------------  Can't we just be friends?     There is no way in hell                               I am going to let any part                               of your body touch any                               part of mine, again.  I just need some space        ...without you in it  Can you help me with my       If I keep whining, the fool homework?                     will do it for me.  Do I look fat in this dress?  We haven't had a fight in a                               while  No, pizza's fine              Cheap b*stard  I just do not want a          I just do not want (you as) boyfriend now                 a boyfriend  I don't know; what do you    I can't believe that you have want to do?                  nothing planned  Come here                    My puppy does this too  I like you but...            I don't like you  You never listen             You never listen  We're moving too quickly     I am not going to sleep with                              you until I find out if this                              guy in my Bio class has a                              girlfriend  I'll be ready in a minute    I AM ready, but I am going to                              make you wait because I know                              you will.  Oh, no, I'll pay for myself  I'm just being nice; there is                              no way I am going Dutch  Oh Yes! Right there          Well, near there; I just want                              to get this over with  I'm just going out with      We are gonna get sloppy and the girls.                   make fun of you and your                              friends  There's no one else          I am doing your brother  Size doesn't count...        ...unless I want an orgasm 

      What Guys Say              ... What They Mean ------------------------      ------------------------  It is just orange juice,      Three more shots and she'll try it                        have her legs around my head.  She's kind of cute            I want to bang her till I'm                               blue  I don't know if I like her    She won't blow me  I need you                    My hand is tired  I had her                     I had (wet dreams about) her  I really want to get to know  ...so we can do what I tell you better                    my friends we do already  How do I compare with your    Is my p*nis really that small? Other boyfriends?  You're the only girl I've     You are the only girl who has ever cared about              not rejected me  I want you back               ...for tonight anyway  We've been through so much    If it weren't for you I never together                      would have lost my virginity  I miss you so much            I am so horny that my roommate                               is starting to look good  No, I do not want to dance    Shoot! She'll know that I have a right now                     hard-on  The break-up should not       I want to have sex a few more start for another 24 hours    times  I'm different from all the    I am not circumcised other guys 

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did 'twas Mrs. Riley's left breast," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

Three men are out fishing when they catch a mermaid. After they haul her onto their boat, she promises that if they will set her free, in return she will grant each of them a wish.

The first man doesn't really believe it so he says, "All right, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done" and suddenly the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme insight.

The second man is so amazed he says, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done" and the second man takes out a pad and pencil and squares a circle, trisects an angle and starts producing solutions to problems that have been stumping mathematicians since the beginning of time.

The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says, "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you ought to reconsider."

The man responds, "Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five and if you don't do it, I won't let you go free."

"Please," responds the mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking ... it would change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else ... a million dollars, anything?"

But the third man insists on having his IQ increased five fold.

So the mermaid relents and says, "Done."

The third man becomes a woman.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.

Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. "Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?" The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this #@$% trunk!" So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash.

"Good grief!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?" "Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk." The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"

"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."

How To Satisfy a Woman Every Time

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How To Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up naked.

10. Less "Oh Promise Me" and more "Louie, Louie"

9. Three words: Rehersal dinner kegger!

8. Bridesmaids wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops.

7. Tuxes have team logos on the back.

6. June weddings scheduled around the basketball playoffs

5. Vows mention cooking and sex, specifically.

4. Couples leave ceremony in a souped-up '73 Charger with racing tires and flames on the side.

3. Dance with the bride and get punched in the face.

2. Big, slobbery dogs eligible to be best-man.

1. Tailgate reception!

Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat? You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and they laugh at most of our jokes(even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?

Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... er... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

Do all men really masterbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.

Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masterbate?)

Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masterbate?)

Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

A woman was in a terrible accident, and her face was burned severely. The doctors couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. Her husband volunteered to donate some of his skin. The doctors found him a suitable match, but the only place they could use for the graft was his buttocks. The husband consented, but asked that no one be told of this, because it was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just raved at her newfound youthful beauty.

Alone with her husband one day, she said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you!"

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get thanks enough every time your mother kisses your cheek!"

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tune. The woman cocked her ear "Quick! it's my husband coming through the front door!! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom. She hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied. with a knowing smile.

"Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom, where he found the lover clapping his hands in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you?" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.

"But ... but you've got no clothes on!" stammered the husband.

The guy looked down, jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little b*stards!"

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes are sparsely attended and rarely prove effective anyway.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shoping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup, etc. When a woman says, "I'm almost ready; go start the car." It does not mean she's almost ready. It means you're getting in her way. If you do go start the car, be sure to bring a supply of tapes for the cassette player.

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
If a man claims he's a "nineties sort of guy" and an "equal partner in raising the kids", just ask him for their shoe sizes.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You've got the wrong technique, my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her butt and say 'How about a little?' She always pretends to be asleep."

Wants and Needs (wontz and needz), n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male:Food, sex and beer.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Glass Ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Making Love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2-1/2 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

10. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?

9. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!

8. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.

7. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

6. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.

5. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!

4. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!

3. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!

2. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?

1. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!

10. Does my butt look fat in this?

9. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis?

8. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!

7. Yours is bigger than mine.

6. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.

5. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.

4. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them!

3. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commercials.

2. I'm deeply offended by young women who go bra-less.

1. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple and he wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me, God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on."
So Adam said, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curvy and tender, unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her," said God.
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?" asked Adam.
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so incredibly stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, no ... I did that so that she could love you."

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have bought jewelry.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun, just in case.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear into the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right" because he got older, got a new job, or visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

No man is charming all the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. with male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example:"Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

A little girl asks her mother, "How do women get babies?"
The mother tells the whole story, "... and thats how women get babies".
The girl says, "But, mommy, this morning I saw you had dad's penis in your mouth."
"Oh, that's how women get jewelry!"

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man pointed to the people following him and replied, "Get in line."

AGE AND DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

AGE AND DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET 17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The three rings of marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth.
But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.

"We need" = "I want"
"It's your decision" = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."
"It's up to you" = See "It's your decision"
"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."
"We need to talk" = "I need to complain"
"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
"You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = "I have flabby thighs."
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."
"I need wedding shoes" = "the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."
"Hang the picture there" = "NO, I mean hang it there!"
"I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going to like."
"I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V."
"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."
"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."
"Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead."
"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to cook, so you'd better get used to it."
"I'm not yelling!" = "I am yelling because I think this is important."

"I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry."
"I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy."
"I'm tired." = "I'm tired."
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Nice dress!" = "Nice cleavage!"
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you."
"What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?"
"What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question."
"I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex?"
"I love you." = "Let's have sex now."
"I love you, too." = "There. I said it. Now can we have sex?"
"Yes, I like your new hairdo." = "I liked it better before."
"I've always liked the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that much different!"
"Let's talk." = "I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'll have sex with me."
"Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys."
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = "I am gay."

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

---

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "Tits" From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques of Calling Home
36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly titled "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With It")
10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission
11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game: A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: Accept it!
22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (formerly titled "WE learned to deal with the embarrassment")
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
29. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, her car wouldn't start. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, my car won't start. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"

Finally, she'd had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the car, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

After attending a men's seminar a husband comes home to his wife and sits her down to "lay down the law". After finishing a 30 min. session of telling her how its going to be he didn't see his wife for 5 days.

But by the sixth day he could see his wife a little out of the corner of one eye...

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
About 45 minutes

A Doctor and his wife are having a big argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and storms off to work.

By midmorning, he decides he'd better make amends and phones home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. Gravity is on your side.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like oral sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They're stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that make dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do single men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it's never happened.

Why are men like tile floors?
If you lay 'em properly the first time you can walk all over 'em for years.

Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear him...

Is he still wrong?

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden her fairy godmother appears to her and offers to grant her three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF!!

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF!!

She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF!!

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and your lawyer were both drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

1. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

4. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

5. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as: "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

6. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

In the department of "nice turn downs" there's this one:
"I'll have to think about that, thinking makes me tired, when I'm tired I want to sleep, not make love, so let's not, okay?"

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a f*ckin' hike!!!"

Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

Man (after several incomplete forward passes at the same woman): "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Woman: "Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You've got a large donkey? Or a Doberman?"

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.
Woman: "Your mouth is writing cheques that your body can't cash."

Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

(man ogles woman)
Woman: "What are you looking at?"
Man: "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I guess you're pretty good at pleasing yourself then.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: Oh, just cheap perfume then.

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
Man: Is that also where you got your eyelashes and colored contacts?

Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Go back to sleep.
Man: You mean this isn't a nightmare?

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter. OR Stop.
Man: Really? You look more like a "Yield."

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Here's a donation to restore the exterior.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: [Looking away] Honey, there's two here!

Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Woman: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Man: You're right. I was lying.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there any more.
Man: Well, I guess you really don't belong in the men's room anyway.

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to b*tch.

LOVE - When all you write is poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you show concern for your own feelings.
MARRIAGE - When you show concern for what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the songs on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by The Rules, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Send me mail: cmacina at nac dot net (Sorry there's no link -- this is to reduce spam)