16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, to look at her you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay like that forever!"

13. "Couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

12. "Damned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your own ice cream, Buddha!"

6. "Geez, you look awfully puffy today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

... and the Number 1 Thing NEVER, EVER To Say to a Pregnant Woman:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."

15. The AMC Spacer

14. Uncle Boris's Last Chance Galactic Truck Stop & Fireworks Stand

13. I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Space-Station

12. Skylab for Dummies

11. Emergency Vodka Storage Unit #6

10. Absolut NightMir

9. The New, Improved People's Deathtrap 2000 ("Now with leaks!")

8. Space Toast Coast-to-Coast

7. The S.S. Minnowsky

6. The Black Cat, Walking Under a Ladder, Broken Mirror, Spilled Salt, Friday the 13th Space Module

5. Kaputnik

4. Cattlecar Galactica

3. Spacey Spice

2. The Amazing Orbiting Barge O' Death

... and the Number 1 New Name for the Mir Space Station:

1. Deepsh*t Nine

17. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

16. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your son's favorite toy car and make him cry.

15. (Moms only!) You only have time to shave one leg at a time.

14. You hide in the bathroom just to get some alone-time.

13. Your child spits up and you catch it.

12. Someone else's kid spits up at a party and you go right on eating.

11. You consider fingerpaint to be a controlled substance.

10. You've mastered the art of placing large amounts of scrambled eggs and pancakes on the same plate without anything "touching".

9. You don't allow your kids to play with any weapon-toys, and your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

8. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

7. You manage not to laugh when your 5 year old boy confides in you his suspicion that his penis has bones inside.

6. You con your kid into thinking that FAO Schwartz is a toy MUSEUM and not really a store.

5. You fast-forward through the scene where Bambi's mom gets killed.

4. You hear YOUR parents voice when it's you that screams "Not in those clothes you don't!"

3. You hire a sitter because the two of you haven't been out in ages, then spend half the night calling home to check on the kids.

2. Rock concerts give you a headache.

... and the Number One Telltale Sign of Advanced Parenthood:

1. You start offering to cut up other people's food for them!

10. More fun to complain about them to your friends.

9. Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.

8. When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?

7. You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.

6. All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.

5. Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.

4. Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.

3. No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.

2. Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.

... and the Number One Reason Why Women Date Jerks Instead Of Nice Guys:

1. Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers.

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling so that you can go see "Phantom of the Opera".

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet -- even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys'.

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality -- now shut up and finish putting on that French maid outfit."

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe it's eight inches.

... and the Number One Reason Why Why Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls:

1. They will put up with you.

25. Frames for glasses or sunglasses

24. Show why people go insane

23. Scary Halloween sound effects

22. Use for a collage

21. Chew toy

20. Christmas ornaments

19. Learn Discus throwing!

18. Futuristic ponytail type thing

17. Use instead of wood for Karate class

16. Death sentence

15. Add string to sides for an instant bird swing

14. Scrape that ice off your windsheild

13. More songs for "Weird Al" to make fun of

12. Wheels ... Vrooooooooooommmm!!

11. Use as proof the Spice Girls suck

10. Parents, tell kids "This is what happens to you when you`re bad!"

9. Symbol of the devil

8. Use as a plate. If it cracks you`ll be happy.

7. Give it to your enemy and watch 'em cringe

6. Be a Spice Girl! How to lip synch in 3 easy steps.

5. Parental punishment if you don't clean your room.

4. Police interrogation (CAUTION: may get in trouble with the ACLU)

3. With a little honey & birdseed makes a great bird feeder.

2. A frisbee: if it lands in dirt or gets scratched you won`t mind.

... and the Number One Use for a Spice Girls CD:

1. Burglar alarm: This music would scare anyone away!

18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing "pull my finger".

17. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.

16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

15. Kierkegaard and Nietzsche references are lost on most 5-year olds.

14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids with his "Severed Limb" trick.

12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

11. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

10. Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the joint."

9. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

8. Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.

6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.

5. A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

3. Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."

2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

... and the Number One Sign that You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Children's Party:

1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

12. Jim Lovell's Corvette was blue, not red

11. On Apollo 13, they had '72 'Vettes ... amber turn lights

10. The NASA, "worm" logo appears on a glass door. The logo was not developed until 1976

9. One engineer checks an astronaut's addition using a slide rule. Slide rules are not used for addition

8. Jim Lovell's license plate is new

7. The astronauts point out the Sea of Tranquility while on the dark side of the moon. It is on the other side.

6. A technician at the cape is wearing a Rockwell Int'l logo on his coveralls. The Apollo capsule was built by North American, which did not become Rockwell Int'l until after the Apollo program.

5. The gantry arms for the Saturn V are released in unison, not one at a time

4. During entry, the spacecraft is shown hurling directly at the earth. At that angle, it would punch a brief but fiery hole through the atmosphere. It should be aiming toward the horizon.

3. The paint pattern on the Saturn V is for the test configuration, not the launch configuration

2. The astronauts look at their intended landing site while on the dark side of the moon. It is a good thing they didn't land - it's dark and very cold, and they would have had no communication with Earth.

... and the Number One Technical Error in the Movie Apollo 13 (and a lot of other movies):

1. In space, from outside the capsule, propulsion jets do not make any noise.

Posted on Rec.Humor by: Dave Bushong (dbushong@wang.com)
Compiled By: A bunch of NASA dweebs that actually noticed
Archived By: Derek Cashman (dcashman@concentric.net)

10. Fry bacon.

9. Do arc welding.

8. Bathe a cat.

7. Operate a snow blower.

6. Clear a patch of poison ivy.

5. Insulate the attic with fiberglass.

4. Operate a lathe.

3. Present a childrens television show.

2. Take mass with the Pope.

... and the Number One Thing Not To Do in the Nude:

1. Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk.

10. Bitchin' motorcade from history class to language lab

9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross

8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium

7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer

6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad's "special" brownies

5. You become fourth in line for Presidency

4. At some point, you find yourself playing "quarters" with Ted Kennedy

3. When ordering from Domino's, you can take advantage of the President's volume discount

2. If you flunk a test you can have the professor slapped around by Janet Reno

... and the Number One Good Thing About Being Chelsea Clinton's Roommate:

1. Somehow, you're not so embarrassed about your own father

16. http://www.drscholls.com/foot/fungus/images

15. http://www.pullmyfinger.com

14. http://www.heartbreak_psoriasis.com

13. http://www.chi-cubs.com/worldseries

12. http://www.dentistry.com/drill.wav

11. http://www.sony.com/products/betamax

10. http://www.microsoft.com/bloatedcode/downloads

9. http://www.nails~on~blackboard.com

8. http://www.kerristrugmania.com

7. http://www.Al-Gore-In-2000.org

6. http://www.oj.com/help_find_killers

5. http://www.richardsimmons.com/tanktops

4. http://www.wegotintoharvardudidnt.edu

3. http://www.marcelmarceau.com/chat

2. http://www.amish.org/amish_women/pictures

...and the Number 1 Web Page Least Likely to Prosper:

1. http://www.willardscott.com/showercam

10. You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail

9. You recognize your doctor as the kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in

8. Instead of a sponge bath, they send a St. Bernard to lick you

7. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked!"

6. In the operating room, they have an assistant coroner and a special prosecutor.

5. Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps

4. All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers

3. You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.

2. Through the fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!"

... and the Number One Sign You're in a Bad Hospital:

1. Instead of "patient", they use the term "plaintiff"

from The Late Show with David Letterman

20. You can GET chocolate.

19. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

18. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

17. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

16. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

15. You can have chocolate in front of your mother.

14. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

13. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

12. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

11. You can have chocolate at your desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

9. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

7. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

6. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

5. Good chocolate is easy to find.

4. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

3. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

2. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

...and the Number 1 Reason Why Chocolate is Better than Sex:

1. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

15. Sign over king-sized bed declares, "Use of the Words 'micro' and 'soft' strictly prohibited while in bedroom."

14. No paintings, but live artists actually hanging on the wall.

13. Drawbridge is raised and lowered by hand.

12. Entire state of Rhode Island relocated to east wing.

11. Raises guinea pigs in his bedroom for extra cash.

10. No toilet paper, but handy stack of $100 bills.

9. Secret passage in library leads to Nerdcave where Bill keeps the Nerdmobile.

8. Zima on tap.

7. Kato Kaelin sleeping in a corner of the trampoline room.

6. Tasteful and elegant 30,000 sq.ft. Hall of People Whose Businesses I Have Personally and Single-Handedly Crushed.

5. Basement shrine to Kelly Bundy.

4. Hidden away in the attic: his beloved childhood calculator, Rosebud.

3. Everywhere you look -- Women!

2. With 27 bathrooms, there's never a need to ask, "Where do you want to go today?"

...and the Number 1 Surprise in Bill Gates's New Mansion:

1. Replica of the Eiffel Tower in the garden. Wait a minute ... that's no replica!!

15. Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron.

14. Morely Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are.

13. If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma.

12. Admission test, found on back of a matchbook, requires you to draw Marcia Clark's briefs.

11. Faculty recruited from the exercise yard.

10. The Dean once failed to get James Earl Jones acquitted on a charge that he "talks like a sissy."

9. Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework.

8. Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"

7. Two words: Dean Wapner

6. Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a dog track.

5. In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.

4. Today's lecture: "Fight for Your Right to Party," by visiting professor Adam "The King AdRock" Horovitz.

3. Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."

2. Can't see the blackboard over Axel Rose's hair.

... and the Number 1 Sign You're Attending a Bad Law School:

1. The white wigs and black robes may be a tradition, but there's no explaining the lipstick, garter belts, and high heels.

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. "FETCH" command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dog's Don't Use Computers....

1. TrO{gO DsA mM,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqs,. *


* 1 Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.

10. Replace the little magnetic circles in a floppy disk with sandpaper.

9. Take picture tube out of monitor, fill with water, add tropical fish.

8. Superglue CDROM cases shut.

7. Change the user's dial-in script so his internet provider is now located in the South Seas. Watch the fun when user opens phone bill.

6. Two words: Powerful Magnets

5. Set start-up WAV file to play the sound of fingernails on a blackboard.

4. Set screen blanker to display pictures of Regis and Cathy Lee.

3. Program modem to randomly call Psychic Hotlines at 4.95 a minute.

2. Plug mouse into 115 volt wall socket.

...and the Number One Way to Annoy a Computer User: (Drum roll please...)

1. Install Windows 95.

14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

12. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.

11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

8. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."

7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy & Scratchy" are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" that reads "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake pads.

15. Forget your anniversary? No problem. Forget to stop at the pharmacy? Kiss your sorry *ss goodbye.

14. More huge smiles and dazed looks than at a Moonie mass wedding.

13. Entire male population puts on their Nikes, knits a purple shroud, and sits down for a nice lunch of applesauce and vodka.

12. Spiking the punch REALLY shakes things up at the Senior Prom.

11. The President finds he has much more time to deny allegations.

10. Senator Orrin Hatch withdraws Constitutional Amendment to ban pill after a good *ss-kicking from Mrs. Hatch.

9. Undertakers working overtime to wipe those smiles off.

8. Severe sales slump forces Energizer Bunny to look for work elsewhere.

7. Finally, after several decades - a new topic for Country-Western songs!

6. The Betty Ford Clinic adds a new wing.

5. Due to unexpected flashbacks, housewives everywhere are being banned from the supermarket.

4. Porno movie casts pared down to a woman and a glass of water.

3. "Hey, handsome - The bartender tells me you're a pharmacist."

2. "Coming, Mother!" takes on a whole new meaning.

... And the Number 1 side effect of the Female Orgasm Pill:

1. Janet Reno cracks a smile.

15. Camel cash catalog to include iron lung at 150,000 coupon level.

14. Sell super-cancerous $8 cigars to kill all those pretentious cigar-smoking snots.

13. No more advertising on billboards, but the tattoo area is wiiiiide open!!

12. Lucky Strike Psychic Friends Network will be permitted to predict that every caller will fail miserably in their attempt to quit smoking.

11. In final gala advertising event, Joe Camel to chew C. Everett Koop's beard off on pay-per-view.

10. Tobacco companies agree to take Jesse Helms out of their back pocket.

9. Only sports to be sponsored by tobacco companies: Lung Tossing and Long Distance Phlegm Hacking.

8. All cigarette ads must carry nude picture of Ernest Borgnine and/or Bea Arthur.

7. Sexy people doing exciting things in ads replaced by people in Starfleet uniforms attending a Trek convention.

6. At RJ Reynolds corporate headquarters, every Tuesday is "Free Tracheotomy Day."

5. Reduce nicotine, increase "moldy sardine" flavor.

4. Mandatory new brands: "Phlegm", "Yellow Tooth", "Loser Lights", "Desperate Bid For Peer Approval 100s."

3. CEOs of Philip Morris and RJ Reynolds entitled to occasional trident sharpenings and horn polishings.

2. Government agrees not to interfere with industry's upcoming "Lung Disease is Cool" and "Bum a Smoke From Mickey" campaigns.

... And the Number 1 Item in the Tobacco Companies' Deal:

1. Warning on side of packets replaced with picture of Keith Richards.

15. His Humvee's left turn signal is always on.

14. Varicose veins bulging out of his neck.

13. Black leather jacket & motorcycle boots replaced by taupe windbreaker & white loafers

12. Can no longer throw Uncle Ted out of parties with one arm.

11. Maria falls asleep before he can get his broadsword ready, if you know what I mean.

10. Filming constantly interrupted with, "I'll be... LINE, PLEASE!"

9. "Mr. Universe" competition declines his suggestion for a "Best Gums Over 50" category.

8. Hemorrhoids now larger than biceps.

7. Concludes every failed bowel movement attempt by saying, "I'll be back."

6. Ever-increasing body count in "Grumpy Old Men" sequels since he joined the cast.

5. Has to stop and rest mid-last name when signing autographs.

4. Changed his name to "Arnie Schwartz" and moved to Miami to play bridge every Tuesday and Friday afternoon.

3. Most explosions in latest flick are the result of his worsening lactose intolerance.

2. Every plot: Get revenge upon neighborhood kids for walking on his lawn.

... and the Number 1 Sign Arnold Schwarzenegger is 50 Years Old:

1. Has begun tucking his pecs into the front of his pants.

25. "Things I wouldn't do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

24. Human Rights Advances in China

23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert

22. "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton

21. "To all the Men I've Loved Before" Ellen DeG.

20. "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson

19. "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"

18. Al Gore: The Wild Years

17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

16. America's Most Popular Lawyers

15. Career Opportunities for History Majors

14. Detroit - A Travel Guide

13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

11. Easy UNIX /* GCFL: come on! it's not that difficult! :-) */

10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

9. Everything Men Know About Women

8. Everything Women Know About Men

7. French Hospitality to non-Francophones

6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

5. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

3. Staple Your Way to Success

2. The Amish Phone Book

... and the Number One World's Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Microsoft just invested $150 million in Apple stock. Why? We think the reasons are obvious:

10. Bill Gates found a little spare change in his trousers

9. First and last month's rent on empty office space in Cupertino

8. Incentive fee for Steve Jobs to give charisma lessons to Microsoft CEO

7. Two words: Rhapsody 98

6. Small price to pay for world domination

5. Bill to Larry: I own you now, too

4. Jobs and Woz threw in a signed Apple I as part of the deal

3. Best way to assure Gates a starring role in next Pixar animated feature

2. Easier than bribing entire Justice Department

1. Strategic move: Apple users now hate Jobs more than Gates

15. Apple's stock fell only 25% last week.

14. Bill Gates's birthday now a paid holiday for Apple employees.

13. Default Mac startup sound changed to "Taps."

12. Wall Street brokers have stopped using Apple stock certificates as toilet paper.

11. Apple's new slogan: "Almost as good as Windows!"

10. Apple has been bent over with its pants dropped for so long now, even a geek like Bill Gates was bound to get lucky.

9. Cute rainbow-colored apple now inhabited by cute rainbow-colored worm.

8. Microsoft comes out with an operating system incorporating Mac technology... uh, wait a minute...

7. Phone and utilities mysteriously start working again at Apple's corporate HQ.

6. Steve Jobs seen tending bar at the Gates' private lawn party.

5. Diners in Microsoft's staff cafeteria can now enjoy their apple pie purely for its wholesome goodness and no longer as a symbolic act of global domination.

4. Unsold Newtons used as cobblestones in Gates's driveway.

3. Apple Employee of the Month gets to hunt loose change at Bill's house.

2. New Apple employee dress code includes large "Property of B. Gates" tattoo on *ss.

... and the Number 1 Sign That Microsoft Owns Part of Apple:

1. Bill Gates still burned in effigy, but upper management no longer attends.

from "Windows Sources"

10. Properties dialog box now includes Boardwalk and Pennsylvania Avenue.

9. Catchy "Resistance is futile; you will be assimilated" splash screen.

8.Odor files.

7. New 18-Hour Control Panel by Playtex.

6. Point-and-click interface replaced by innovative hunt-and-peck interface.

5. Free Tickle-Me-Bill-Gates doll with every purchase.

4. General Protection Fault demoted to Sergeant.

3. Start-up .WAV file replaced with the "cha-ching" sound of a cash register.

2. Didn't bother taking the Mac icon off the start-up screen this time.

1. Bill Gates Wealth-O-Meter spinning furiously on the Taskbar.

10. Here honey, you use the remote.

9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too large.

8. Ooooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

6. Honey, since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wall-paper store with me?

5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes I just want to be held.

4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1. We never talk any more.

10. What do you *mean* today's our anniversary?

9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

8. Ooooh, this diamond is way too big!!

7. And for our honeymoon, we're going fishing in Alaska.

6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.

5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

4. Aww, don't stop for directions. I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

2. I don't care if it is on sale, $300 is just too much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?

8. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

7. On the way to the station can we stop for a twelve pack?

6. You'll never get those cuffs on me, you P*ssy!

5. Come on, write the damn ticket ... the bars close in 20 minutes!

4. Hey ... wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

2. Hey, officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

1. I'm surprised you stopped me. Dunkin Doughnuts is having a 3 for 1 special!

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves something to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't: 1. Think you can get me off?

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty at the office but isn't:

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

10. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

9. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

8. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

7. Can you believe it? Those sh*theads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

6. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.

5. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

4. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

3. Nice place you got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

2. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

1. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost...

20. Chicks dig it.

19. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.

18. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.

17. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

16. Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep asking you to carpool.

15. No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

14. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.

13. LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.

12. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work.

11. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.

10. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.

9. Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.

8. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.

7. Bugs never see you comin'.

6. You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4. Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.

3. License plate: "Me=mc2"

2. Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat -- they land in last week!

... and the Number 1 Cool Thing About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light...

1. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!

Every year gazillions of visitors flock to the District of Columbia to soak up the majesty of the Nation's capital. As an ambassador of the District you should be helpful and freely give advice to tourists in D.C., such as:

19. Find and use the dining car on the Metro.

18. Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble courts behind the Lincoln Memorial.

17. Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many good-looking unmarried men.

16. Help keep the Nation's capital clean: Be sure to deposit your used farecard in the trashcan after entering the turnstile.

15. Don't miss the weekly "Weenie Roast" at the Eternal Flame.

14. The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol.

13. When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city.

12. There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building.

11. If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor's office, or residence, and ask for some Coke.

10. In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before proceeding.

9. If the cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free.

8. Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist "Scratch & Sniff" room at the National Gallery of Art.

7. Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the Arlington National Cemetery--bring your own shovel.

6. If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's a circle, so just keep going around--before you know it, you'll be back at your desired exit.

5. Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the President to laugh.

4. Flashing floor lights on the Metro platform signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life!

3. Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court. 2.For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften" them up before using the Metro Machine Card.

1. To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM.

Send me mail: cmacina at nac dot net (Sorry there's no link -- this is to reduce spam)

Go to the Joke Index      Return to Conrad's Home Page      Return to top of page