A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
AND IN CONCLUSION: A required statement midway through the sermon.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the sermon. 2. Your receipt for a 10% lunch discount at Shoney's. 3. Air conditioning
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. 2. If the music is quality, the words cannot be understood. 3. If the words are quality, the music is lousy.
DANCING IN THE SPIRIT: Same steps as at the club on Saturday night except now stone cold sober.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of the service, consisting of the pastors, the choir, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. 2. The pastor scurrying to the back of the church for the handshakin' and the mumbled, "Good nap, er, sermon today preacher" - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot and to KFC.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song on Sunday AM, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
SEVENTH COMMANDMENT: Where you left your umbrella.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
UNKNOWN TONGUES: Mother's pantomime instructions to her kids from the choir.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. Unofficial observers (and reporters) of next congregational conflict.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay".
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground showing God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! "What happened", they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then what happened", asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
For a BLACK hymnal Lutheran Usher, a Lutheran usher must be:
For a RED hymnal Lutheran Usher, A Lutheran usher must be:
For a GREEN hymnal Lutheran Usher, a Lutheran usher must be:
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords -- the crowd is huge -- thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice -- they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendents.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
Did you hear the one about the minister who preached a hot sermon on humility. At the conclusion the pastor came from the pulpit to the front of the congregation and said, "I, your faithful servant for these past ten years, I am nothing." And the head was bowed.
The head of the church council thought this demanded some response. So, rushing forward to the pastor, said, "I, the President of the church council, who helped to raise $1 million for the building campaign, I, too, am nothing." And the head was bowed.
A member of the congregation who worked for cleaning out the waste collector at the water treatment plant, much moved by the two now in front of the church, also came forward and said, "I, a member of this church for the past 30 years, who tries to live the faith every day, and who tithes before taxes, I too am nothing." And the head was bowed.
The pastor nudged the council president and said, "Look who thinks s/he's nothing!"
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarteners had the right answer compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
It is greater than God,
more evil than the devil,
the poor have it,
the rich need it,
and if you eat it you will die?
What is it?
The answer is 'Nothing.'
Funny how a $10.00 bill looks so big when you take it to church, but so small when you take it to the market.
Funny how big an hour serving God looks and how small 60 minutes are when spent playing golf, fishing or playing bridge.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church, but how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we get thrilled when a football game goes into overtime, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how laborious it is to read a chapter in the Bible and how easy it is to read 200-300 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how we believe what newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how people scramble to get a front seat at any game, but scramble to get a back seat at church service.
Funny how we cannot fit a gospel meeting into our schedule with yearly planner but we can schedule for other events at a moment's notice.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust it for a social event at the last minute.
Funny how much difficulty some have learning a simple gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and explain gossip about someone.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, and don't have any difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we are so quick to take direction from a total stranger when we are lost, but are hesitant to take God's direction to be found.
Funny how people are so consumed with what others think about them rather than what God thinks about them.
Funny how so many churchgoers sing "Standing on the Promises" but all they do is sit on the premises.
Funny how people think that they can get more accomplished in a lifetime without God than in an hour with God.
Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the down spout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop which was owned by the pastor of the town Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20."
The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day.
The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.
"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
Dear Lord,
So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, over-indulgent, or told anyone to mind their own business and to stay out of min, I'm really glad about that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Thank you, in Jesus name, Amen.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three
extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
On the letterhead of:
The Anglican Church of Canada
Office of the Primate
John Hearn, Director
Wisconson Regional Primate Research Centre
1223 Capitol Court
Madison, Wisconsin
U.S.A. 53715-1299
December 11, 1991
Dear Dr. Hearn:
Thank you for your letter of December 4 addressed to Dr. George Cram of the Primate's World Relief and Development Fund in which you seek information for your International Directory of Primatology. I should perhaps inform you that the term 'primate' in our context refers to the senior archbishop and chief pastor of the Anglican Church of Canada. The Relief and Development Fund over which he presides is an agency for the alleviation of global poverty and hunger on behalf of Anglican Christians in this country. I think the primates in your study are perhaps of a different species.
While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys bananas, I have never seen him walk with his knuckles on the ground or scratch himself publicly under the armpits. He does have three children, but this is a far cry from 'breeding colonies of primates' as your research project mentions. Like you, we do not import our primates from the wild, however. They are elected from among the bishops of our church. This is occasionally a cause of similar, though arcane, comment.
The subject of primate biology might be of great importance in your field but, alas, not so in ours. There are a mere 28 Anglican primates in the whole world. They are all males, of course, but so far we have had no problems with reproduction. They include such distinguished persons as the Most Reverend and Right Honourable George Carey,Archbishop of Canterbury and Archbishop Desmond Tutu of Capetown, South Africa. Have you sent letters to them? Most importantly, have they responded? They can, I believe, all read and write by themselves so perhaps this might distort your data.
Thank you for writing. I wonder if your extremely efficient database might need just a little refining?
Kindest Regards,
The Reverend Michael Ingham
Principal Secretary to the Primate
God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked; Pharaoh plagued, people walked. Sea divided, tablets guided, Promise landed. Saul freaked, David peeked, prophets warned, Jesus born. God walked, love talked, anger crucified, hope died. Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained.
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
Leave the dog alone, for what has the dog done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness.
The Venerable Rev. Fr. Norman Herbert Victor Elliott, Archdeacon of the South Central Deanery of the Episcopal Diocese of Alaska, told the following two stories during his sermon at Christ Church Episcopal on 9/15/96 to deal with the subject of becoming too familiar with the liturgy for it to have meaning:
In the days of the 1928 Prayer Book, a priest had just started the Sursum Corda when a woman fainted. The following resulted:
Priest: Lift up your hearts.
Congregation: We lift them up unto the Lord.
Priest: Would one of the ushers help that woman!
Congregation: It is meet and right so to do.
A priest stepped up to the podium to lead a prayer, and realized that there were electrical difficulties, and the following occurred:
Priest: Something is wrong with this microphone.
Congregation: And also with you.
There was a man dying one day when an angel came to take him to heaven. He told the angel, I've led a good life and done everything I was supposed to. Let me take one suitcase with me to heaven. The angel thought it was a strange request but allowed him to do it. The man sold everything he had and filled the suitcase up with gold bars.
The man died and the angel took him to the gates of heaven. Peter saw the man with his suitcase at the gates to heaven and asked him what was in the case. The man very proudly opened the suitcase and showed St. Peter all of his gold bars.
St. Peter scratched his head and said, What are you doing carrying around a suitcase full of road paving?
A bishop attended the Confirmation services of a large church in his diocese one Sunday. As the bishop preached his sermon, from the back of the church a large, two headed, fire-breathing monster with horns and a large tail slithered hideously down the middle aisle of the church, and worked his way up to the railing around the chancel.
The bishop stepped down from the pulpit, moved over to the monster, placed his hands on top of the monster's heads, and said a couple of words. Soon, the monster moved down the aisle, and headed out the back door.
The bishop climbed back up into the pulpit, wiped his brow and said, "Well, I must tell you, I just confirmed my worst nightmare!"
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians....and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob had a few hits during the 60's.
8) You open to Luke and a WWII Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in the Concordance.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this trash?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
This story is basically true- But, I (the author, not me - dr) must admit to a little embellishment over the years.
I love trains -- anything from the small electric trains that run around my study, to Amtrack. Of course, I have many friends, who are train-lovers, also.
I had one friend, with whom I would often have coffee, and we would share our enthusiasm of the railroads. I often invited him to church, and, like many people, he made a promise to come, but somehow found something else to do on Sunday.
I did pursuade him to read the Bible, though. One day, he showed up at Church. He then came every Sunday. He made a profession of faith in Christ, and became a very active member in the church.
I finally asked him what it was that made him change. He told me it was the Bible reading. He said, "I was reading through the Old Testament, and I came to Isaiah, 6:1, where it said, 'I saw the Lord, sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple'. I figured, if the Lord has trains in His temple, then that's the place for me!"
To this day, I have not bothered to correct his theology.
It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.
We regret any inconvenience this may cause. If these special procedures create an undue burden, please feel free to send the unit back, and one with full psychic abilities will be shipped as soon as one becomes available.
There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible.
Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.
"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.
"This is very important," the woman continued, "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say.
"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked.
"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,"said the pastor.
The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, "keep your fork." It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them:
"Keep Your Fork. The best is yet to come"
The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye.
He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand.
Over and over the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died.
He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right.
So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently that the best is yet to come.