You are entering the laughing quarters of Patrialab


- November 8th 1998 -

Since Americans throw rice at weddings,
 do Orientals throw hamburgers?

1.

NGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it.
   To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud.
    Try them yourself.

              Dearest creature in creation,
	      Study English pronunciation.
              I will teach you in my verse
              Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
              I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
              Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
              Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
              So shall I!  Oh hear my prayer.
              Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
              Dies and diet, lord and word,
              Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
              (Mind the latter, how it's written.)
              Now I surely will not plague you
              With such words as plaque and ague.
              But be careful how you speak:
              Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
              Cloven, oven, how and low,
              Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
              Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
              Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
              Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
              Exiles, similes, and reviles;
              Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
              Solar, mica, war and far;
              One, anemone, Balmoral,
              Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
              Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
              Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
              Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
              Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
              Blood and flood are not like food,
              Nor is mould like should and would.
              Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
              Toward, to forward, to reward.
              And your pronunciation's OK
              When you correctly say croquet,
              Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
              Friend and fiend, alive and live.
              Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
              And enamour rhyme with hammer.
              River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
              Doll and roll and some and home.
              Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
              Neither does devour with clangour.
              Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
              Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
              Shoes, goes, does.  Now first say finger,
              And then singer, ginger, linger,
              Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
              Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
              Query does not rhyme with very,
              Nor does fury sound like bury.
              Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
              Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
              Though the differences seem little,
              We say actual but victual.
              Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
              Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
              Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
              Dull, bull, and George ate late.
              Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
              Science, conscience, scientific.
              Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
              Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
              We say hallowed, but allowed,
              People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
              Mark the differences, moreover,
              Between mover, cover, clover;
              Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
              Chalice, but police and lice;
              Camel, constable, unstable,
              Principle, disciple, label.
              Petal, panel, and canal,
              Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
              Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
              Senator, spectator, mayor.
              Tour, but our and succour, four.
              Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
              Sea, idea, Korea, area,
              Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
              Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
              Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
              Compare alien with Italian,
              Dandelion and battalion.
              Sally with ally, yea, ye,
              Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
              Say aver, but ever, fever,
              Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
              Heron, granary, canary.
              Crevice and device and aerie.
              Face, but preface, not efface.
              Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
              Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
              Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
              Ear, but earn and wear and tear
              Do not rhyme with here but ere.
              Seven is right, but so is even,
              Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
              Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
              Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
              Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
              Is a paling stout and spikey?
              Won't it make you lose your wits,
              Writing groats and saying grits?
              It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
              Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
              Islington and Isle of Wight,
              Housewife, verdict and indict.
              Finally, which rhymes with enough --
              Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
              Hiccough has the sound of cup.
              My advice is to give up!!!
          

2

t's the French Revolution and they're doing the usual beheadings. Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer up to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. They take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
    Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
    The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer says "Hey, I see what your problem is."

HE CREATION OF CYBERSPACE:

In the beginning there was the computer.  And God said

Let there be light!

c: - Enter user id.

God

c: - Enter password.

Omniscient

c: - Password incorrect.  Try again.

Omnipotent

c: - Password incorrect.  Try again.

Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

Let there be light!

c: - Unrecognizable command.  Try again.

Create light

c: - Done

Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there 
were 0 errors.

- Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

c: - Unrecognizable command.  Try again.

Create firmament

c: - Done.

Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there 
were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

- Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one
 place and let the dry land appear and

c: - Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

Create dry_land

c: - Done.

Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

c: - Unspecified type. Try again.

Create sun_moon_stars

c: - Done

Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

Create fish

c: - Done

Create fowl

c: - Done

Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living 
creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after 
its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. 
And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

Create cattle

c: - Done

Create creepy_things

c: - Done

Now let us make man in our image

c: - Unspecified type. Try again.

Create man

c: - Done

Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue 
it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl 
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

c: - Too many command operands. Try again.

Run multiplication

c: - Execution terminated. 6 errors.

Insert breath

Done

Run multiplication

c: - Execution terminated. 5 errors.

Move man to Garden of Eden

c: - File Garden of Eden does not exist.

Create Garden.edn

c: - Done

Move man to Garden.edn

c: - Done

Run multiplication

c: - Execution terminated. 4 errors.

Copy woman from man

c: - Done

Run multiplication

c: - Execution terminated. 2 errors.

Create desire

c: - Done

Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and 
multiplying in Garden.edn

c: - Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

Create freewill

c: - Done

Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying 
in Garden.edn

c: - Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

Undo desire

c: - Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

Destroy freewill

c: - Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

Help

c: - Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying 
in Garden.edn

c: - Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

Create good, evil

c: - Done

Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

c: - Warning system error in sector E95#5.  Man and woman not 
in Garden.edn. 1 error.

Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

c: - Search failed.

Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

Destroy freewill

c: - Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

Stop

c: - Unrecognizable command. Try again

Break

c: -- Break

c: -- Break

c: - ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER 
GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN 
FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

- Create new world

c: - You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must 
destroy old files before new ones can be created.

Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c: - Destroy earth confirmed

c: - COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME 
SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

4

ECTURE IN LOGIC - A TRUE STORY.

A thermodynamics professor at Notre Dame University had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell EXOTHERMIC or ENDOTHERMIC? Support your answer with a proof."
    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
    First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
    As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
    Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
    #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
    #2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
    So which is it? - If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.
    The student got the only A.

5

ROBABLY TRUE, BUT CERTAINLY AMUSING... MILITARY SPECS & WAR HORSES

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is
4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was
that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the
first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who 
built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used 
for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on
some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing
of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance
roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of
their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts?
The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.
Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were
all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United
State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from
the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman
army war chariot. MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder 
what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. 
Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just 
wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two 
war horses.

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